The Liar’s Guide to Imaginary Girlfriends.

Are you feeling lonely?

Well here is the answer to all your problems.

An imaginary girlfriend.

Think back to when you were a kid. Think back to the times when you had an imaginary friend and how much fun you had with them. Well why stop now, when you can pretend that you have a little imaginary friend once again?

But please be warned: Self-deception is difficult to achieve and very harmful in the long-term. Liars always eventually come unstuck, but they do make rather interesting people, and they do get talked about a lot, so it can’t be all that bad.

However, if you keep telling yourself something for long enough, you will be eventually able to brainwash yourself into believing your own delusions.Then once you believe it, it is just a matter of time before everyone will start to believe it, too.

And if everyone else believes it, then it must be true, right?

So hang in there.

1. Firstly, create a name and stick with it.

Remember, consistency is the key to any lie.

If you begin telling people that your girlfriend’s name is Cindy, do not slip up and call her Joanne at a later date. People will get suspicious. Try to choose a name not too memorable like Sparky, but not too generic like Jane. That way the lie will seem more authentic.

The more little obscure details you add, the more the lie becomes real. Create a surname for your imaginary girlfriend, and an embarrassing middle name, just in case anyone asks. While you are at it, create a star sign and a date of birth.

Also, a very important story to make up is your humorous meeting story. Try not to make this story too quirky, or it will be harder for your friends to swallow. Say you met in a gym or at a party. Do not say you met at a brothel or an abatoir.

Do not go too far with details. No one ever remembers their girlfriend’s eye-colour, so do not pretend that you do.

2. Choose a location.

In order to keep up the deception, you should suggest to your friends that your girlfriend lives a considerable geographic distance away, to explain why she is never around.

But be careful where you choose. Make sure none of your friends live anywhere near your area of choice, or they may be tempted to show up on her doorstep to make some imaginary moves on your imaginary girl. Never tolerate this. Sharing your imaginary girlfriend with your friends is just sick.

Warning: Do not tell people that she lives interstate or overseas, because even though the likelihood that you will be in a relationship with a girl in Paris is slightly feasible, it suggests that you are not getting too much action.

3. Start sentences with the two magic words: “My girlfriend…”

E.g.: “My girlfriend has a fear of escalators. She saw her puppy killed on one when she was young, so she never rides on them”

or “My girlfriend and I saw that film but we didn’t see the end of it because she was suffering from a stomach bug and vomited on the guy in front of us.”

You can pretty much twist any conversation to include your imaginary girlfriend.

Using this technique will make you slightly more impressive to anyone in earshot because you are suggesting that you are interesting enough to hold a girl’s attention for more than five minutes.

Warning: Do not start sentences with the two evil words: “My ex…” Sentences starting with these words will only ever be one possible thing: A complaint. No one likes a complainer.

4. Change your image

To make it all look more convincing, you must change your image to reflect the influence your imaginary girlfriend will have on you.

Wear your clothes differently.

Grow your facial hair into strange shapes.

Wear clothes that you think look bad on you.

If anyone asks why your hair is looking so ridiculous, simply explain to the person that this is the way that your girlfriend likes it.

Walk around with a bunch of flowers. Do not underestimate the power of walking around with flowers. People will presume that you are about to deliver them to a girl, or better still, you have just received them from a girl.

Change your opinions to the exact opposite of what you really think. If anyone asks why you suddenly changed your mind and now have come to the decision that Rock n’ Roll Wrestling is fake, tell them that your girlfriend convinced you. If anyone questions your new-found passion for ballet/shopping/fascism explain that your girlfriend told you it was a good idea.

Change the way you speak. If you never say “Cheers” instead of thank you because you hate Ted Danson, start saying it.

If you never say “Ciao” because you don’t want to sound like a wanker, start saying it.

5. Never mix circles of friends.

To further enhance the myth that you have a girlfriend, trick your female friends into leaving voice messages on your mobile phone. Encourage them to leave suggestive messages on your voice bank. To do this, simply ring them and invite them somewhere. Make sure you invite them to something they will definitely not show up to, because you know for a fact that they have other plans at the time. They will return your message with a “Sorry, I can’t come” message. Friends from your other circles will have to take your word that the message was actually from your girlfriend.

If you do not have any female friends, simply leave the message yourself using a high-pitched girlie voice. (This method is not recommended.).

Also, take photographs of yourself with every slightly attractive girl you meet. Show the best photo to your friends, and try to pass it off as a picture of you and your girlfriend. Do not choose anyone too attractive, because this will make your friends want to meet her. Also, if the girl in the photo is too good-looking, this will arouse suspicion, as none of your friends will believe that you picked up someone who looks that good.

6. Spray your car with perfume.

Near misses are the key to any deception of this kind. Leave planted evidence that your girlfriend has just been with you, like a spray of perfume in your car, messed up hair, or dazed look in your eye.  Tell your friends that she was just here, and you really wanted her to meet them, but she had to rush off in a hurry to go to work or to meet a friend.

Do not tell people: “She was just here, but she just ran off down the street from the cops because they saw a Blu-ray player under her arm.”*

Sure, it will make her sound more interesting, but it will ultimately be a difficult lie to keep going for a long period of time. Though, if your imaginary girlfriend was in prison, you could have imaginary conjugal visits, and it would explain why she never could come out and hit the town with you.

Hickies are a dead giveaway that you are attached. Vacuum cleaners do not work too well, because vacuum nozzles do not have teeth. Smearing peanut butter on your neck and letting your dog suck it off sometimes works, but it is not recommended. Do not ask family members to help you out and give you one because they will either be repulsed by the thought, or worse still, they will in fact give you a hickie which is quite embarrassing for all involved.

Instead of hickies, use lipstick. Never underestimate the impressiveness of smearing lipstick in strange areas. Lipstick can be put on an empty coffee cup, or on your shirt. This will impress even the most skeptical of your friends.

7. Use her as an excuse to avoid seeing friends you don’t want to meet up with.

Like real girlfriends, imaginary girlfriends take up hours of your valuable spare time. People know this, and expect you to snub them once you have found “that special someone”. Limit your time with your friends, or they will get suspicious that something is up.

Use the old “I can’t make it because my girlfriend won’t let me” excuse if you want to get out of something you previously agreed to without hurting your friend’s feelings. It is inevitable that your friends will not get along with your girlfriend, so feed this hostility. Tell them she is cruel to kittens.

Also, if you are still in the closet and wish to hide your sexual orientation from the world, an imaginary girlfriend is just the ticket. Better still, create a fake boyfriend you can see on the side.

Fake mood swings. Going out with anyone is bound to be an emotional roller coaster, so pretend that you are extremely happy or extremely sad at various times to trick your friends.

8. Dress your pillow in a bra and panties if you get the notion.

Your imaginary girlfriend will never deny you. If she does, then something is seriously wrong.

9. Make other girls jealous.

It is a known fact that most boys who have a girlfriend will have an inflated ego as a result. They will inevitably try their new-found attraction out on any girl who tickles their fancy. Some might draw the line at flirting, while others will draw the line at another later stage. Some do not know what a line is. If it is clear to the other girl that the guy has a girlfriend, then she will presume that he is not ready for a commitment to her of any kind, and she can exploit this situation for her own gain.

If you manage to make another girl jealous of your imaginary girlfriend, then you know that you are doing a good job.

So if you wish to keep the illusion that you have a girlie alive and kicking, simply walk around like you own the entire town. Run across busy streets and stop traffic. Kiss strangers. Laugh at nothing in particular. Constantly smile. Trick the world into believing that you are not alone.

10. Never talk to your imaginary girlfriend if someone else is in the room.

Remember that no one else can actually see your girlfriend, so it would appear rather absurd to the casual observer if you began holding hands with thin air, or stroking her imaginary hair. Do not ever have conversations with her if anyone else is in the room. This is extremely important.

Do not reserve a seat for your imaginary girlfriend, or you will have to experience the discomfort of watching another person sit on your girl.

If someone is in the room with you, it is OK to talk to her on the phone if you want to. But remember to keep the conversations short, and don’t ask her if she wants to talk to your friend, because your imaginary girlfriend will most probably say yes, and your friend will be left talking to a dial tone.

Create a fake Facebook account for your girlfriend so you can compose lovey-dovey messages from her.

11. If you are challenged, bluff.

If anyone does call your bluff, stand your ground:

“Are you calling me a liar? What are you saying? That I don’t have a girlfriend? Are you saying that I made the whole thing up? What kind of a sicko do you think I am? What kind of delusional person would lie about something like that?”

Hopefully they will back down.

The biggest trick one could pull off to prove that your girlfriend does actually exist, is to convince someone to pose as her. Tell your impersonating friend that it will be a great trick to play on your other friends. The impersonator should agree and go along. If not, use blackmail.

Preferably, get a female to impersonate your girlfriend, because it will arouse more suspicion if your imaginary girlfriend impersonator has a deep voice, a protruding Adam’s Apple and a five o’clock shadow. If you have no friends left because you have lied to them all, pay an actress to do the job. Remember to keep the meeting brief, because it is difficult to keep the illusion up for long periods of time, especially if you use a male female impersonator.

12. If you are ever caught, deny everything.

Don’t ever let yourself get caught out.

If you do get caught out, say you have broken up. Tell friends that your girlfriend has left you. Do not give a reason, as most people who break up do not give reasons. Give excuses like real people.

I cannot stress the importance of this enough: Use excuses, not reasons.

Tell friends: “she wanted space/ she wasn’t ready for a big commitment/ she said it wasn’t me, it was her/ she wanted to just be friends.”

Do not claim that she was insane or a serial killer or actually a really well disguised male. This will seem too outlandish and will make everyone sure that the whole thing was a lie.

Whatever you do, do not give a valid reason. This is a dead giveaway that there was no real relationship, as no one gives real reasons when they break up. It is bad ettiquette. The best method is confusion: Say you don’t know why you broke up. This will make your post-relationship trauma just that little bit more authentic.

Remember you don’t have to worry about feeling pain, because it doesn’t hurt when you are dumped by your imaginary girlfriend.

Always stick to your story, even years later, or you will never live it down.

Resist the temptation to tell anyone how you fooled the world into believing that you were attached, or all your hard work will go to waste. Oh no, got to run, my girlfriend just honked the Saab. Ciao.

*This piece was originally written in 1999, so all references to VCRs have been changed to Blu-ray players, and all references to email have been changed to Facebook.